You have been doing quite a bit of inner exploration then fatigue set in. Did you do something nice for yourself or have you been binge watching TV or over working? No matter, it is time to go deeper and broader.
On a shelf in a room down the hall is a book that has not been used in a while. Inside is the story of you. The first few chapters are stories of sadness, fear, and uncertainty. Then the chapter that expressed the anger and rage at all that happened with no one to protect you.
I am weary. I have been writing and revising my manuscript for four years now. In writing a memoir, there is the apparent need to go back through the trauma experienced. I have found continued healing while going through this process of writing. The positives are that this going back also reinforces the lessons, techniques and prayer practices that have brought me out of darkness into a world of recovery and true freedom.
I can see the beauty of being a rock in God’s creation. Not a sedentary rock, for when unearthed, I would be moved from place to place. At times, hidden and forgotten. Then a twist of fate would unearth me again. For a time, placed as the centerpiece in a garden. Jagged, rough edges in the beginning, but the friction of life and torrent rains refined and polished me. Now my destination is assured as I have become a paperweight sitting prominently on God’s desk. My polished shine radiates with reflective light attracting others to be soothed by my cool smoothness. This smoothness with signs of wear offers many opportunities, sometimes to bring others beauty, sometimes to help others offering foundational support, and at all times, to be still and take in the beauty that surrounds me in His garden.
Living on a Missouri farm in a township that should be named ’Middle of Nowhere’, days go on endlessly for a child. There are daily chores and school activities with each day running into the next. Some days are more memorable if a windstorm comes through and we must scramble to bed all the animals. Even the long snow day that begins near Thanksgiving and ends in February, if we are lucky, becomes mundane. How many days of sledding and cocoa can a child actually enjoy?
In the postwar ’50s, modern appliances came into being with a promise to ease the backbreaking chores of homemaking. A vacuum , dishwasher, microwave, and a telephone all came with the promise of more leisure time; to rest, go out of the house, to drive, or look for more fulfilling work.
Fast-forward, I sit at my kitchen table-dishwasher emptied and loaded by 7 am- coffee dripped- Eggo popped-I consume calories while connecting my Bluetooth to my ear. First phone call by 8 am, then shower, dress and place luggage on the porch to wait for the cab.