Step out of your circumstances for a while. Observe others who seem to know how to live. Perhaps observe people who are not living in anger or endless drama. There are people around us in recovery that have unlocked the door and found a way out.
People-watching can be a beginning, but offers little assistance to a struggling soul until the process of surrender occurs from within. The AA principles lay out the process from self-reliance and unmanageability to surrender and freedom. Hindering the process are swirling obsessive thoughts and knee jerk reactions. These traits may have not been of own making, but rather have been modeled to us by caretakers, parents, or an abuser. Although proven time and again to be harmful and faulty, as long as we believe them to be truthful, valid and appropriate we will stubbornly stay unchanged.
Stepping out of victimization or personal addictive behaviors requires a surrender so we can watch and listen for new information. Lack of faith and trust is our dilemma. We could not trust our ourselves while in active addiction. Taking the substances out of our system we can now listen and choose a different path. We have a Creator who is available and is continually trying to reach us. This Creator would like to reach us and change our thinking and behaviors. There is restoring power beyond our imagining. A new outlook awaits.
The key to this door, that opens to a path into the beautiful new unknown, is surrender. That key is found when we can sit quietly and dare to think outside of what we believe is our reality. The key begins to turn. There may be clutter in front of the door, or the door may slam shut again and again. Then one day it stays open. We awake to new information, new possibilities. Needed resources and strength present themselves.
For survivors of trauma and addiction, roadblocks were put in place before we realized it. We remain unaware that a roadblock exists, believing we are just like everyone else, until we try to expand ourselves into an adult individual. If we have successes great! But such is life, and there are challenges all along our way. There is illness, loss, death, lost jobs, financial uncertainties, or isolation from families.
In the city, we are often removed from the inherent beauty of creation. Looking down so as not to trip on uneven sidewalks can only provide a downcast focus of cigarette butts, weeds, dirt, spit, discarded food and wrappers, and flies. Yet our Creator calls us to look up-to look around -to seek His kingdom on earth. Where is this kingdom?
Is our inner voice original thought, or guided by someone or something else? If you found your way here, you have experienced abuse or trauma in some capacity. Your mind may be battling with you daily, obsessive thoughts try to guide you one way. Fight you when you desire to go another. It can encompass self-destructive beliefs, self-destructive behaviors, addiction, fear, chronic nightmares. Your anxious thoughts trigger your, PTSD symptoms. Your inner voice may be continually condemning you- that you are flawed, less than, or of no value to anyone including yourself. We will discover together that these are lies, we can capture these thoughts, reckon with them and finally choose to replace the lies with truth.
As humans, we have collectively fought the odds of survival. Whether from climate, disease, or abandonment. Surviving is something we do! Going beyond survival; thriving after is vexing; trusting our unseen Creator’s voice and guidance, after defeat or mistreatment, becomes the real test of valor.
We rely on our thoughts to be self-generated and a reliable guide. It seems as natural as breathing to believe our thoughts are safely generated by us and intended for our own good. We act off of our thoughts or when feeling inadequate, will lean towards co-dependency, attempting to draw strength from another person. believing without them survival may not be possible.
Enduring abuse since infancy I was tormented with nightmares and symptomatic PTSD. However further insight exposed spiritual bondage that attached to my soul before I was aware, with the ability to influence my thoughts and behaviors. A spiritual malady went undetected for years and had not been addressed in my program of recovery and not understood in my church. When father died memories surfaced. Counseling; led me to think it was dealt with. However, when mother died strange things began to happen in my home, to me and my family. So blatant were the attacks I no longer had the luxury to stay in denial, under the label of dysfunction. The battle between good and evil is real.
Coming out on the other side, I am living fully and contentedly with gratitude for God’s care and protection. To honor the little girl that I blamed for so long and her brothers; Lady Jayne will now tell her story. While she speaks I will prepare the manuscript for publishing. So far I am thinking of the titles: The Fearless Reckoning of Lady Jayne or The Reckoning of Lady Jayne. Like these? I welcome input! My best to all who visit, Thank you!