Ending Entrapment

As Lady Jayne recovers from her trauma, she allows things to float up to my consciousness

Usually appearing in my last dream before waking. These dreams used to be filled with overwhelming emotion, fear and the torturous influence of the shadow. So much so that I could not process the actual memory, only cope with the symptoms. A fight or flight PTSD response.  

Since my recovery programs, counseling, and journey within with my God, resulting in spiritual freedom, these dreams are gentler. Still conveying a similiar message but now something more bite sized, less traumatic. I can look at, give to my God, my loving Creator and then set aside. Allowing my day to open up to joy and anticipation.  

For the past few weeks, I have had a reoccurring dream.  The dream is similiar to those in the past, yet quite different. Sometimes the characters look different, or the scenery changes, but the gut feelings of the threat and my response are always the same. I feel trapped.  

After, our marriage due to my pregnancy and an attempted assassination of my husband and a friend, we moved two hours away from the city I called home. To a quiet farming community. The radio had little crime to report so it announced such things as what price livestock was selling for that day, or a youngster was released from the ER, with minor abrasions, after a collision of his bike and a light pole on Main Street.  

WE COULD HAVE LIVED A QUIET LIFE OF HEALING AND LOVE 

The thing blocking us was the spirit of addiction that followed us, keeping us bound to self-destruction, negativity and violence.

My husband first beat me the night before our wedding, then the night we moved into our first apartment. This would be the third of many such events.  He had left me alone in this new city to go on a binge with no end date. When he returned looking haggard. I was afraid because I knew he was not understanding me.  After his binges I would cook for him, run him a bath and bathe him; a habit formed while dating.

Something set him off, he began hitting me, hands and feet involved and then lifting me up and tossing me about the room. I tried fighting back but was half his size. Finished with me, he turned for bed and fell asleep. Abuse is far more than physical but a combination of abusive degrading language, words that reach the soul.  

Trying to Escape

My baby girl was only three months old. I went to her crib to comfort her, washed my face and grabbed her diaper bag and bottles. Our house was only ten minutes from the courthouse on the town square.  The whole time I made my way there I felt the fear of someone on my heels, ready to grab me at any moment.  I have had many dreams trying to reconcile with this feeling that followed me through life. ‘Never fast enough, always in danger of being grabbed. ‘ 

Feeling like a child

Banging on the mammoth front door, a clerk came to let my in. She spoke professionally, remaining distant from my situation. This was not the day she was expecting. She was not going to save me, so I ran past her up the large staircase. Hiding behind a desk in the first room I saw open, I wondered if there was anyone who would help me. Not my mother, she believed we were our husband’s property. Surely not my in laws, they saw us both as troubled and lost. No friends, because my friends were now his friends. No womens shelters existed.

A man came in to speak with me and asked for my personal information then, “wait here.”  After what seemed like hours the door opened again. It was my husband. “I am taking the baby; you can come if you want.”  

I would remain trapped for 10 more years, until an arrest placed us in different facilities, and I was able to get away.  

Healing was possible with my Creator

While healing my inner child through counceling, recovery programs and my spiritual connection, I have found that every thing, every person and every circumstance is either gathering darkness or light.  I came to see that my extreme actions were a result of trying to survie and control my world without a Higher Power. I had been abused for so long my mind and soul were distorted. Without my God I only had knee jerk reactions. After breaking free from my husband, I began picking up men before they chose me, then broke off the relationship before they did. A desparate attempt of to prove to myself that I was no longer vulnerable or held against my will.  I worked non-stop, to prove my worth, thinking I could gain contentment and freedom. All to the detriment of me and my children. recap saying that i can only operate at a base level of knew jurerk reactions if I dont fix my soul sicenss

Freedom from bondage is only achieved through our Creator, all else is temporary.