Most who have been abused at home or trafficked attempt to find a savior at school or on the streets. The new relationship holds the illusion of safety, belonging, and being understood. Usually we are not aware that the new relationship serves as a bandage over strong emotions of loneliness and low self-worth. The new relationship is a distraction from ourselves, aids in blocking out reality and hinders further healing.
Most find it difficult to step away.
If we are courageous enough to be guided by a counselor, we begin to look inside and will grow emotionally or spiritually. Truth from lies has a clearer distinction. Friends or counselors may point out that the relationship will hold us back or cause further harm. But it seems outlandish even to consider moving on. ‘Without this person I will not be needed, I feel worthless again.’
In my life, I began letting go of some relationships because I sobered up. But I felt I had lost a lot, and whether it was a friend or lover, no one new would come to fill that emptiness. When I was not working hard and had time to think, a deep loneliness surfaced. I reasoned that I was making good progress and could trust my judgment. Or I would tell myself it was time to rebuild and true love was right around the corner.
When I met someone new, it felt so right. I felt a strong, immediate attraction. This had to be love! I was surprised when I started seeing red flags. Puzzled by how sure I thought I was this time! Conflict began, and who I thought was my savior was just as unhealthy as I was. The person was closed off to self-discovery. Was not willing to work on themselves and concluded I was the problem.
How did I do it again?
It takes many years to repath the brain and change core beliefs. Remember, our abuser was a parent or other adult that we depended on for food, safety, and love. No wonder another unhealthy person hits the same well-worn rut in thinking. ‘My longings are fulfilled.’ Ignited, we feel adrenaline, excitement, safety and belonging, so we think it is love. Until we really understand that God never meant to compromise, that we are worthy of respect and honest, we will easily be drawn back.
After childhood abuse or incest, it is difficult enough to believe that we have a life worth fighting for. It is hard to believe that new people in healthier circles will fill our life with laughter and love. It is a lofty goal to seek a spiritual awakening that can transform our lives.
But believe me it is all true! Through an awakening and inner soul searching, we discover a new freedom, peace and happiness. Coming into this light, it becomes evident that the relationship will be a stumbling block and could drag us back down to self destruction. Finally we chose life, and life more abundantly.
Tools to Help
- Identify obstacles and challenges.
- List likes and dislikes.
- Try new hobbies or activities.
- Create a Dream Board; favorite color, pet, clothes, decor, wishlist.
- Write and Speak positively to yourself.
Lady Jayne's Reckonings 