I can see the beauty of being a rock in God’s creation. Not a sedentary rock, for when unearthed, I would be moved from place to place. At times, hidden and forgotten. Then a twist of fate would unearth me again. For a time, placed as the centerpiece in a garden. Jagged, rough edges in the beginning, but the friction of life and torrent rains refined and polished me. Now my destination is assured as I have become a paperweight sitting prominently on God’s desk. My polished shine radiates with reflective light attracting others to be soothed by my cool smoothness. This smoothness with signs of wear offers many opportunities, sometimes to bring others beauty, sometimes to help others offering foundational support, and at all times, to be still and take in the beauty that surrounds me in His garden.
Victim. We should only be allowed to use this word to describe a moment in time where something was done to us that was out of our control. It should be an adjective to describe our experience in a tragedy, not to define our character. That moment does not define us. It can mold us, but we have the choice to allow it to continue to victimize us and be subjected to the powerlessness of that situation or we have the ability to become a warrior.
After what we have experienced in secret the idea of being exposed is quite painful. Had we not already had our bodies exposed to lustful eyes and hands? Yes! However the illumination I speak of has an opposite and profound effect on returning to our pre-abuse identity. Leading us out of a fear filled lonely place to a place of joy filled resilience and healing.
“Both the cross and the lynching tree were symbols of terror, instruments of torture and execution, reserved primarily for slaves, criminals, and insurrectionists—the lowest of the low in society.”
Father Richard Shares……Today I share a contemplative poem from CAC friend and writer Felicia Murrell. Felicia’s words combine a deep awareness of God’s presence while clearly naming the collective trauma of police brutality and lynchings. It is worth remembering, as Black liberation theologian James Cone (1938–2018) points out, that the lynchings of African Americans and the crucifixion of Jesus share much in common: “Both the cross and the lynching tree were symbols of terror, instruments of torture and execution, reserved primarily for slaves, criminals, and insurrectionists—the lowest of the low in society.” [1] There is something about poetry that gives us permission to sit with the paradoxes of our pain, perhaps especially when addressing traumatic suffering. I invite you to read Felicia’s challenging words slowly, allowing your heart to break open to God’s love amidst the suffering of the world.
No matter ones feelings about the bible, there are lessons to be learned, and disciplines to be applied.
An account in the book of Exodus finds Moses’ people grumbling at their accommodations while traveling in a wilderness. They had rebelled and turned away from God. Yet when they were hungry and thirsty complain to Moses and God, in anger. Life isn’t fair!
Moses feels responsible and pleas to God, asking for food and water. He is then instructed, by God, to strike his staff on a rock and water would flow.
Did they deserve another intervention-another miracle? Well, the folks who drank from this streaming rock had already been rescued from slavery, through a parted sea! They showed no gratitude and continued to worship other gods-idols. The result of a rebellious attitude left them dissatisfied, demanding, disrespectful and disloyal to the Creator of all. Boy-oh-boy, if we saw such a miracle would we not believe in that God?
Being wishy-washy in who we follow, we settle into a spiritual sickness that cannot be self-diagnosed, as a symptom of this disease is spiritual blindness. So naturally with out a Higher Power, feelings of being cheated and dissatisfaction will go hand in hand with this disease.
The shadow of death entices us to desire things that will lead us away from the sustaining power of our Creator. The very things we are enticed to desire turn against us. Allow me to take you back to one of my journeys in the wilderness.
Finding myself in jail due to dealing drugs and firearms. I grumbled and minimized the crime I committed and was angry that I could not see my kids and life was empty without them. Had I not forfeited that right? Didn’t I set things in motion? Wasn’t this a consequence of crime? After feeling sorry for myself, I then focused on needing bail and a ride home. Bail was posted my mother-in-law, my husband picked me up and he, the kids and I broke bond by leaving the state.
When we were arrested again my children were dragged again through children’s services as we were extradited back home. Did I see this reality then? No!! I was blinded by what I thought I needed to survive. When I was finally released, I got my children back. However, within days I left them with my mother so I could seek drink and drugs, my higher power at the time. Substances that had led me to this distruction still promised to take me back to oblivion: away from the harsh treatment I had experienced. I did not know this or that I was spiritually sick and distant from the God I said I believed in. I would hit a few bottoms before surrendering and admitting that I played a significant part in my problems. not know that meanwhile other men and women who were addicted or behind bars were being lead to a program of recovery that leads to a Higher Power. That others turned to God just by studying the bible alone in their cells. They are given assurance of forgiveness from their Creator, gain spiritual wealth and freedom in this life, and hope of eternity!
They were experiencing a change of heart and mind, the perception of cleanliness on the inside for the first time in their lives. They had moments of clarity and took responsibilty for their actions.
Outwardly, they may remain in a cell, in the wilderness, will still face consequences and yet these men and women are changed. Their burdens are being lifted. They are placed on a path out of their hell, no matter how rocky or tangled. Outsiders witness a difference in their eyes, a difference in their manner and speech, as they replace dishonesty for honesty.
Which is easier to believe? That life is against us and sets us up for failure? Or that there is an active living God showing up, through a rock flowing with water or through modern-day miracles?
As if a Jack-in-a-Box opened its lid, the fragments of a young girl’s life were now being exposed refusing to stay dormant and silent. Therapists far and wide have seen enough to identify the Lady Jayne, part of me as the “Child Within”. A young girl, so damaged she had forgotten to grow up was trying to be heard. When I started the AA program and was offered literature from a friend on the subject, I must admit I foo-fooed the idea. Child within? Nonsense! Well before you foo-foo it, allow Lady Jayne to tell her tale.
Enduring abuse since infancy I was tormented with nightmares and symptomatic PTSD. However further insight exposed spiritual bondage that attached to my soul before I was aware, with the ability to influence my thoughts and behaviors. A spiritual malady went undetected for years and had not been addressed in my recovery program and not understood in my church. When father died memories surfaced. Counseling: led me to think it was dealt with. However, when mother died strange things began to happen in my home, to me and my family. So blatant were the attacks I no longer had the luxury to stay in denial, under the label of dysfunction. The battle between good and evil is real.
Coming out on the other side, I am living fully and contentedly with gratitude for God’s care and protection. To honor the little girl that I blamed for so long and her brothers; Lady Jayne will now tell her story. While she speaks, I am constructing a manuscript for publishing. Beyond the book I feel called to find others like me who need a companion while breaking the bonds of our enemy and to give guidance and encouragement to freedom.
I call the one who binds us the shadow of death. As his shadow permeates all areas of our life experience. Also the shadow offers no life sustaining light. My prayers are to touch all who visit!
Lady Jayne's Reckonings 