Ambiguous: open to more than one interpretation or meaning.; Unclear or inexact because a choice between the alternatives has not been made.
If you have been following along, you know that I, unknowingly, began life under the power of the shadow. Spiritual bondage formed by deception and secrets that I had witnessed and internalized. I did not know how much darkness surrounded me, as I saw no one in the light. I was taught to be dishonest by my parents and the whisperings of the shadow. I took what I learned, continued to listen to the destructive voice in my head and used to hurt myself and others.
Spiritual freedom does not happen by accident. It comes from following the spiritual voice found inside. However, this is no easy task for those born into evil or thrust into abuse. We hear a combination of our own condemning inner voice and the abuser’s threats. Upon spiritual examination we find the shadow of death in the mix. The clamoring voice that actively manipulates our inner messages.
Attempting to break free is trial and error. Prayer is used more as a test rather than true conviction, in the beginning. Pray, wait, ask for guidance and protection and then repeat. Through this, prayer by prayer, practice we learn to separate harmful critical thoughts and exaggerated emotions from God led inspiration and guidance.
” The spiritual voice inside us (that leads to freedom and life) speaks of care and love. It will never tell us to hurt others or ourselves. It is our Higher Power’s voice. It’s what Step Eleven (Big Book) calls “conscious contact.”
Sometimes the voice tells us to do things we’re afraid of. For example, if we’re lonely and the voice tells us to call someone on our phone list, we may make excuses to not do it. Again, the voice may say, “Just make the call, it will be okay.” if we follow this guiding voice, we’ll find happiness.” and Spiritual Freedom!
excerpt from “Keep It Simple: Daily Meditations for Twelve Step Beginnings and Renewal (Hazelden Meditations) Paperback – October 1, 1989
Step out of your circumstances for a while. Observe others who seem to know how to live. Perhaps observe people who are not living in anger or endless drama. There are people around us in recovery that have unlocked the door and found a way out.
People-watching can be a beginning, but offers little assistance to a struggling soul until the process of surrender occurs from within. The AA principles lay out the process from self-reliance and unmanageability to surrender and freedom. Hindering the process are swirling obsessive thoughts and knee jerk reactions. These traits may have not been of own making, but rather have been modeled to us by caretakers, parents, or an abuser. Although proven time and again to be harmful and faulty, as long as we believe them to be truthful, valid and appropriate we will stubbornly stay unchanged.
Stepping out of victimization or personal addictive behaviors requires a surrender so we can watch and listen for new information. Lack of faith and trust is our dilemma. We could not trust our ourselves while in active addiction. Taking the substances out of our system we can now listen and choose a different path. We have a Creator who is available and is continually trying to reach us. This Creator would like to reach us and change our thinking and behaviors. There is restoring power beyond our imagining. A new outlook awaits.
The key to this door, that opens to a path into the beautiful new unknown, is surrender. That key is found when we can sit quietly and dare to think outside of what we believe is our reality. The key begins to turn. There may be clutter in front of the door, or the door may slam shut again and again. Then one day it stays open. We awake to new information, new possibilities. Needed resources and strength present themselves.
For survivors of trauma and addiction, roadblocks were put in place before we realized it. We remain unaware that a roadblock exists, believing we are just like everyone else, until we try to expand ourselves into an adult individual. If we have successes great! But such is life, and there are challenges all along our way. There is illness, loss, death, lost jobs, financial uncertainties, or isolation from families.
A year later, while in a counseling session, attempting once again to make sense of my predicament, I become terrified and disoriented. Directly in my line of vision, a form like a hologram appeared leaving no room for my present life to penetrate. I began seeing the atrocities done to my mother and my brothers. The smell of orange blossoms, bacon, country gravy and biscuits, the moist smell of dew in the mountain air filled my senses. Mashed potatoes mingled with blood on old graying wall paper came into view. I heard my own fear in its’ deafening silence as brown trousers came towards me. Physically, I was left feeling moist, cold and exposed; breathless with unbelievable pain in my throat and shoulders.
Mission: Impossible was a tv show of the ’60s and ’70s and each episode started the same: This is the mission if you choose to do it. Your mission, Dan/Jim, should you decide to accept it, is…
On whom will we listen and depend on for guidance?
As humans, we have collectively fought the odds of survival. Whether from climate, disease, or abandonment. Surviving is something we do! Going beyond survival; thriving after is vexing; trusting our unseen Creator’s voice and guidance, after defeat or mistreatment, becomes the real test of valor.
We rely on our thoughts to be self-generated and a reliable guide. It seems as natural as breathing to believe our thoughts are safely generated by us and intended for our own good. We act off of our thoughts or when feeling inadequate, will lean towards co-dependency, attempting to draw strength from another person. believing without them survival may not be possible.
1966 I was 9, the year before, my Mom had found a way to convince my Dad to bring us up north to live and then she separated from him. The year would consist of him showing up drunk and unannounced, shattering glass with a bloody hand and head peering in. Mom is beaten, furniture and dishes were broken, until we moved to a house where the Dad did not tolerate violence or destruction, then mother and I settled into a brief period of calm.
Lady Jayne's Reckonings 