For survivors of trauma and addiction, roadblocks were put in place before we realized it. We remain unaware that a roadblock exists, believing we are just like everyone else, until we try to expand ourselves into an adult individual. If we have successes great! But such is life, and there are challenges all along our way. There is illness, loss, death, lost jobs, financial uncertainties, or isolation from families.
When life challenges us, we see what we are made of and for a brief time may capture the ill feelings and emotions that rise up. Being bothered by the rush of emotions we cover them with addictive habits not knowing why. Maybe we have the impression that God is punishing, or unloving. Maybe we eat, drink or shop to numb our feelings. Maybe we believe we would be happy if only the right guy shows up and loves us the way we need to be loved. At times we reach a boiling point, and may latch on to others that will listen to us rant, a repeating of how life has done us wrong. While others will isolate not wanting to expose their inner longings, disappointments or fears. Others squander the days of their lives or are mentally toying with suicidal thoughts. We are losing so many to suicide.
An inner turmoil is present that may not be acknowledged or challenged for most of our lives. We feel an inner weight. We feel bogged down by the futility of life. We may have a tendency to be passive-aggressive. If someone shows empathy and offers tools for a way out, they are met with defensiveness or anger, “I am ok ! I only need…. and everything would be good. I don’t need help!” Frustration that can turn quickly to depression or self-pity and then back to anger. An internal dialogue that usually is not shared openly, can sound like; ‘no one really cares, others have it better or easier than I, I just need things to go my way. I am hearing, I don’t have friends.’ life is not fair.’ How do I know? I know because I heard this dialogue for years and my actions came out of that dark place and my results left me wanting.
Sadly in these last few months, I have been engaged with many who are caught in this trap. Maybe this extra layer of uncertainty from our economy, the pandemic and isolation is unnerving people. But these conditions have persisted through out history. People living in quiet desperation, while procrastinating in taking positive moves towards self-care and resisting life giving surrender. After coming into a recovery program they are still covering pain with addictive behaviors to find comfort. Not realizing they have the power with the help of Our Creator to move the roadblock, dismantle the harmful thought processes.
How can I so boldly bring these sensitive matters up? Because I was locked into this same delusional thinking for many years. Feeling so out of control inside, left me to put of walls and blocks to keep other at arms length. A tug of war of,’ Love me, no move away, no love me!’ Coming out of abuse and trauma I was clueless as to the spiritual component. We can work the steps by journaling or talking. We can answer questions correctly, that our friends or sponsor ask. But we come to a point where we need a Higher Power, our Creator, who knows us better than we know ourselves to take over. We surrender our will into a power so much bigger and more capable than anything we could do for ourselves. Things change in time as we do this daily. Minute by minute. As the Big Book states, We will know a new freedom and a new happiness.
As we grow we find that our Creator is not a Santa Claus type, but will walk through our trials and guide us. Our Creator will give us resources that will help us grow in love. Love for ourselves but also for others. When we are behind the roadblock, we can not see or feel others pain. We do not feel like serving others. It is only in the triangle of love between Our Creator, ourself and others that we feel safe, whole and content.
You might be early on in this, but I want to state that there is not spiritual part to us or the program. It is all spiritual in nature. As we begin to surrender, don’t expect an instant magical freedom. We are behind enemy lines, the roadblock was built by the enemy with every obstacle and whisper. This enemy is not willing to let us go. He thought it was a win for his team. Expect a back lash. But with our loving Creator and others on the same journey, freedom is found and a beauty that you never dreamed possible. I know this first hand!